It's Me , It's You , It's Everything

So ive created an online radio station that i thought people might be interested in havin a listen to, tho i will admit sometimes the music in the early hours (UK time) gets slightly intense but thats how we do it lol

i play anything from heavy metal to hard style techno and i take requests, just leave your request in the chat box on the right hand side :)

Just Click The Banner And Enjoy :)

so i guess its been way too long since i updated so here goes...

things have gotten way too fucked up lately for me to handle much more of, im crazy about a woman that gives me mixed messages, one minute shes all over me the next shes totally cold and spaced off from me. this woman is my ex girlfriend that i spent 8 glourious months with. at the moment were kinda seeing each other till she decides whether we could ever have a relationship again or if shes just with me for sex.but she has told me that might never ever happen at as of now she doesnt see herself ever wanting to be with me like that again but we'll see and if im honest i dont mind its just i know that it'll never amount to anything, shes gonna move back home after shes done with me and i'll be back at square one thinking now wtf do i do, but then i think im being stupid and paranoid,i just need to chill the fuck i think but i cant get her off my mind, its crazy.

i dont wanna get too attached to her but i dont wanna fuck things up cos im hoping that somehow this will work itself out. then i get these stupid thoughts that im fuckin kidding myself shes just using me for sex and for using me for abit of male company till she can get the fuck out of here, but when were together things just feel different, its like nothing matters at all and things are exactly how its meant to be, go off down the pub with mates or with her have a laugh and then have sex or whatever later. im driving myself fuckin mental with all of this but the things thats annoying the shit out me more is when i talk to friends about it and about how great it is havin her around again and that were working things out all i get is come on dude you two had the perfect relationship and she dumped your ass without a seconds thought, shes just stringing you along because you fuckin let her and she knows she can fuckin toy with you. i hate that shit more than anything.

i dont believe for one second that she would ever muck me about, she just doesnt seem that cruel at all. i know this might lead me nowhere and that she might end up saying fuck this its not for me, we had a good run tho see ya later. but at least i fuckin tried to be with her right? ive always said i would fight for the love i believed i was meant to have forever and i do truly believe i have found her, but if its not meant to be , its not meant to be. she does mean alot to me tho and i just have to get a grip, we're at a really good point together now and im loving every minute of it, i might not get to see her very often but when i do its like im just so grateful for that hour or two i do get, hopefully soon tho we'll have more time together and see where we really stand.


for now im just riding this rollercoaster and seeing where the station will end up, all i know is this is one hell of a ride life has taken me on, i just hope it has a happy ending.

So its been a long time since i've posted so i think its high time i updated...


Well Me and Heather are still together but i seem to have developed this weird clingy , can't live without having some sort of contact with her everyday thing, its quite strange and almost obsessive i would say. I guess it just scares me that somehow she'll leave me or will change her mind , even tho on timeless occasions shes said i'm all she wants and just wants to be with me.

My mind just doesn't understand that i actually have the girl i've dreamt of my whole life and shes not gonna go anywhere without me, but anyway since i'm now back living in scotland its put alot of pressure on us to make this work, i'm tryin to find a job so i can save every penny to rent a flat down there so we can actually live together and make our future plans , we've been speakin about havin kids and stuff aswell, Which fills me with such an awesome pride that someone actually wants to bring life to this planet with someone like me.

Finding work is difficult at the moment and i'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel but if any of you know me well enough you'll know that every aspect of my life revolves around doom and gloom.I have this morbid mind that doesn't allow me to see the good things in life only the what ifs and the most terrible of consequences, its quite annoying and i'm actually at the point where i'm thinkin of hypnotherapy or something to maybe brighten me up abit.I can't go my whole life thinkin "oh shit what if todays the day heather leaves me?" or "shit i still haven't got a job i'll never move in with heather and shes gonna get bored and tell me to fuck off". Because its not like that, we're\I'm doin everything i can to get us the future we've planned but as my morbid horrible mentality is telling me now , plans never go how you plan them.

Anyway i'll update more later i promise ....

Just trying to be my full potential think i pull it off pretty well....



( More Behind The Cut )

So heers how things are , me n heather have split i'm in scotland and we're apparently tryin to patch things up , tho somewhere inside me tells me that this isn't really happening and that shes after someone else and i know i should have more faith in her its just i guess that with all the shi we went through she must just be thinkin there is no way in hell i'm goin through that again with him hes just not worth it but cos shes so nice , she doesn't know how to just break it off with me ,i dunno whats wrong with me tbh. I begged her mum to let me come live there again so that me n heather can work this out properly but when i spoke to heather last night she said her mum had pretty much said that it wasn't gonna happen , but i'd rather hear it from her mum. Also because her mum won't let me stay there i keep gettin this thought that maybe its not that her mum won't let me stay there its because heather doesn't want me there cos i'll get in the way of her and this other guy. I dunno ,i don't even know if this other guy is even what i think he is , everything is just so confusing and i just dunno how to cope anymore. Any suggestions folks?? i really could do with some help. I was offered a job there that was good payin money and i would've gladly given her mum almost all of it just to be there with heather and i even mentioned i'd do all the chores round the house and if that didn't work we'd also been lookin to find me a house there so that i could still be close by and have her come round or me go round to her , now that plans changed and she wants me to stay here ,get a job and save up the money then come down and get a house\job there , but to me all i can think is well if that does happen what she'll do is cos i got settled in a job here just say it snot happening anymore and run off with someone else. I just have this horrible feeling in my gut and i dunno what i'm doin, i love her so much and i just really wanna sort all this mess out so we can be together.

Help me please , all suggestions are welcome.

Cris

So here it finally is , the end of my life in England , comin back to Scotland for good me and heather have broken up because her family were just too much to contend with. Its seriously hurt me and i don't think i'll ever forgive them for what they've done to us. Me n heather had our ups and downs but it was all really instigated through the work her mother and father put in to make us fall apart. Constant bitchin and telling her how unworthy i was for her has finally gotten to her that much shes called it off and is sendin me home, i never thought it would've got this far as i thought she was alot stronger than that but i guess theres only so much hassle parents can give there daughter or son before they break and fall to the will of them.

I don't hate her for it i'm just more disappointed in her as i thought i meant the whole world to her(her diary entries she showed me said so) but i guess this is just the way the world works and i have to deal with it.Theres always gonna be a special part of my heart there for her and i'll always want\need her , but i just can't be with her because of her over baring parents. Too much was expected of me and her , this has been a great journey but as all journeys have a beginning they also have an end and it has finally come.Tho i can't live back with my parents yet or have a flat of my own my best friend in the whole world The Duke has said i can live with him till i get things sorted out and what with all the grief hes being put through i guess he could do with the company also, we can keep each other going until the time comes we get ourselves something more stable in relationship form.

This will be my last update for a while so i hope you'll all do well with what you all having goin on in your lifes.

So today i was bored beyond the point of staring blankly at a screen all day and decided that since i'm gettin a new 300gb hard drive from my comp next week that i may aswell spruce up the inside of my comp and get rid of some old shit i had on my master drive. So it now looks all new and shine and runs alot better , only problem is i also decided to try my hand at installin Fedora 7 Linux instead of stickin with shitty old Bill Gates XP , Fedora started to run and came up sayin where do you want it installed and all the usual installation stuff you would expect from XP , only it never installed , infact it wiped my master drive and wouldn't turn on ..shit i think no LJ or 4chan for a few days , fuck that i need my intarwebs hit as i can't really live without it (if you've read my other posts you'd know why i'm this sad) , So i tinkered about abit and decided lets put on VistAIDS (Vista to everyone else) so i'm now running the 30 day trial of VistAIDS and i've had to try to remember all my passwords and site links to add back to my toolbar, also installed Opera as its been proven to kick the utter shit out of both IE and Firefox 2. And i know someone may post back and say well why don't you use the patch to have fully activated VistAIDS but the way i see it its only till maybe wednesday at the most then the 300gb goes in and everything gets thrown to that so it doesn't really matter that much. From what i've seen of VistAIDS on previous installations its been pretty good , other than my graphics card hates it (nVidia suck for vista drivers) .

This was a pointless post but i felt someone out there might take a little interest in my life as no-one round here does.

I think this depicts todays america more than words could ever say.

So heres a little update on the shittiness that is my life right now....

Well since my last update things haven't really changed , still no fucking weed and still no hope of anyone doin anything to help get me sorted out with some either , so i've come to the conclusion that i'm just gonna have to hop on a train back to Scotland to get a shitload and bring it back to keep me going for a while. Other than that life is still a pile of shit , heathers dad has still forbidden me from goin round for sunday dinner until i get a job which i find totally absurd as i'm trying so hard to get one i'm nearly killing myself , as well as doing all the chores in this household.

I guess its just the way people treat me here that gets me down so much , like last night it was brought to my attention that the only reason heathers brother is abit off with me is hes accused me of going on his computer, now i dunno about you but if you suspected someone of touching your stuff you'd usually confront them to find out , instead he just acts like a prick and stews on it. I personally couldn't give a flying fuck about his computer because i didn't spend hundreds of pounds making my own computer top of the line super fast and awesome just to go use someone elses. And anyone that knows me really well will know my computer is my pride and joy so hes talking shit , i've never wanted anything to do with his computer let alone use it and anyway its been in the box since he bought it so why the fuck would i bother ?? it just doesn't make any sense.

heather and me have been going through a tough patch too , she just seems to be more interested in whats shes doing in her own life , eg. Friends , college , going out with her sister or other stuff than paying any attention to whats goin on with us , shes not a very affectionate gf either , we never cuddle in bed because apparently it makes her hot n stick and she doesn't like, but i feel that snuggling up in bed even just for a few minutes makes you feel really loved and wanted but thats never happened and i complained about it but got the same answer "i don't like it". It seems to me that this is a extremely one sided relationship and now i'm not saying she shouldn't have friends or want anything from her life but i just wish she would maybe include me somewhere in there , its always this "i want" , "i need" and "me me me" mentality that drives me crazy i give her everything i can from money to affection just to get nothing back in return.

And i feel that seeing as i moved hundreds of miles from my friends and family , i should be given something back but nothing , all i get is "oohh something has to be done about this situation" " you can't just expect to sit on your arse and do nothing allday everyday" "you have to work or do chores to do your bit" , which i really don't see as a problem , i do ALL the chores , cook and clean , i look for a job constantly everyday and its all forgotten about 3 seconds later.

So me n heather have had a chat and we've well that is to say i demanded that not just her but her whole fucked up family have to give me alot more respect and help otherwise i'm leaving but that opens up a whole new shitty scenario , where would i live if i did go home , my folks have made it pretty clear they don't want me movin back in and well without a job or alot of money coming in i can't afford a flat of my own , i've pretty much been thrown to the dogs and left to fend for myself regardless of that maybe ending up with me living on the streets.

Well i need to go make dinner now , no rest for the wicked and all that shit

Update more soon.

Hello...This is Your Concience speaking ...... Its time to wake up....its time to wake up everyone around you......its time for the world to wake up.....IT IS TIME.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/


http://www.loosechange911.com/

So its been a few weeks , maybe even a month since my last postbut lately i've been watching the Zeigiest movie(amongst others) and decided to do more investigating into the whole thing and i'm now at the point where i wish i hadn't. Sometimes the truth is better unsaid and this is one of those cases , it has really upset me finding such things out as America funded both sides of ww2 , nearly 80% of Americans still do not know that there now one country with canada and mexico (your also getting 1 currency shortly), the list is endless.

The things that have really upset me tho are just the sheer ignorance and blindness of humans in general. Nobody seems to give a fuck about anything other than themselves as the human race walks straight into financial slavery , why doesn't anyone care about anything other than themselves ?? the world has become greedy and self destructive and it scares and upsets me because i really don't feel that i would want to have kids brought up in a world like this.

Maybe films like Equilibrium and such were the glimpses of things to come.

I know this all sounds like the rambling of a man on the verge of insanity or something but i just needed to get this shit out my head.

I'm gonna go to the pub now and numb my brain for abit.

So its been almost 3 weeks since i got a visit from Miss Mary Jane, But my gf heather has informed me that she has gotten hold of some pressed pollen for me and even tho i would much rather have some nice sticky sticky budula this is most acceptable because i'm at the point where i'm smoking way too many cigs and drink way too much jack and beers.

Other than that i went to see about a job today only to be fucked around by some guy that had no idea what he was talkin about, it was also through a temp agency , tho this was no ordinary temp agency this was the con the living shit out of you temp agency where even your uniform is deducted from your first pay check. Now let me summarise all things that are deducted from your first wage packet from this bs company....

Steel toe capped boots (even tho i told them i had a brand new pair still in the box), Overalls or any sort of work wear the company your posted to requires , travel expenses and some bs fee they made up and called Finders fee , so because even tho i've been busting my balls all these last 6 months to find something i could call a job , just cause these assholes found something for me they think they shoul dget some of my wage for it..sorry but fuck you !!

So i'm back to square one , still in a horrible relationship with someone that seems to take me for granted (shes in for a shock regardless of how much weed she finds me), a family that seems to think i moved here to be there person slave and a country that i despise (i'm a Scotsman living in England , William Wallace will be turning in his grave actually that should be graves seeing as the English had him chopped into bits and posted to the four corners of the country)

Other than that i'm drunk , waitin on the girlfriend comin back from her friends with my weed(that'll be sometime in the afternoon i'm guessing) , still majorly addicted to my psp , just completed GTA: Liberty City Stories i'd got started on the Vice City Stories but the copy i have is acting up so its being a pain in the ass.

And so concludes another shitty chapter in my life.

So where to start....


Well i no longer live in Scotland , moved to Kessingland\Lowestoft about 45mins drive from Norwich . i came here to be with my girlfriend , we live together and everything is pretty cool , had a few teething troubles but thats to be expected since we've went from talkin on the net and seein each other now and again to being together 24/7, other than that everything has been brilliant. Its a nice place to live and everyone is so friendly , first couple of days i was living here it was kinda wierd being on a bus where everyone actually spoke to one and other and didn't sit in silence scared of gettin a smack in the face.

Other than that i've been finding it real hard to find a job , because its such a small place to live jobs are things miracles are made of and it doesn't help when you have a woman with expensive tastes.Also my weed smoking has taken a major back step lately as the police have been raiding everyone and the place has dried out , its gotten that bad that i'm more like to get a job first than score some weed lol.

Other than that i've just been havin fun and enjoyin myself for a change , its good to get away from all the shit and thoughts i had back there , had alot of problems floating round my head and because i just sat on the net most of the time it just gave me time to dwell on my shitty existence but since being here new life has been blown into me and i feel alot happier in myself and i don't dwell on the past or what could have been if i did things differently.

Anyway gonna play some psp and chill out had a busy day.

updates to follow more frequently

Your results:
You are Will Riker

Will Riker 80% Mr. Scott 80% Chekov 75% Jean-Luc Picard 70% Worf 65% James T. Kirk (Captain) 60% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 60% Spock 59% Uhura 55% Geordi LaForge 55% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 55% Mr. Sulu 55% Data 41% Deanna Troi 40% Beverly Crusher 25%

At times you are self-centered but you have many friends. You love many women, but the right woman could get you to settle down.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz...

My gf sent me a link to what i would call a low budget kinda film seeing as the plotline is waifer thin and kinda sucky anyway have a look....


http://www.fidothemovie.com/